‘Grateful, still desperately sad, yet hopeful'

Judith Evnen-Benson of Overland Park, Kansas, is a breast cancer survivor. While Evnen-Benson is currently cancer-free, she says that the experience and fear of a recurrence are with her every day.

“I was diagnosed with stage II, grade three triple negative breast cancer in November 2012. Fifteen rounds of chemo, with every bizarre side effect known, neutropenia and hospitalizations and four surgeries later, it appears I am clear. But the experience of the illness remains, consciously in the cells that we altered on purpose and in the soul, really. I have days now, when I go about my healthy business, yet one small unexpected fleck of something — smelled, seen, remembered — can dissolve that sense of safe denial into the realities of desperate suffering. It was a hard road. I have a 20 percent chance of recurrence. I'm grateful, angry, scared and confident all in one breath. When I think of those I love, having to experience/watch/caretake, all of that … That's when the real grief comes.

“My cancer was discovered during an annual exam. I followed the clinician to a surgeon that she endorsed. And then I showed up and did what they said. There is no bravery involved other than making yourself show up, which for me, was quite an emotional challenge. My cancer was so aggressive that I had few options, other than not to treat. I was 49 at diagnosis. I just did what they said.

“I was incredibly, incredibly fortunate. The family and friend support was tremendous. Easier would come in the form of new treatments that do not involve chemotherapy or surgery. New treatments, because this s*** is byzantine.

“The emotional impact is an ongoing stream. There was a lot of sadness and despair attached to it during treatment. I know that it was me that experienced it, but when I think of ‘what that woman went through,’ the sadness still feels very sharp. Not certain that I will ever get used to the reconstruction. It does not feel a part of me and feels odd all the time. I am a different person in some ways now. Utilizing the therapy component of the treatment offered at St. Luke’s has made the entire difference of whether I survived. There are times when it's very hard to just get one's feet under oneself. Then it's time for re-guidance. 

I'm incredibly grateful for that service. Most of the time, no one would know that I am thinking/feeling these things about the illness. I seem like my old self. I will never be my old self, in my heart of hearts. That again, is a grief aspect. Also, I feel so very, very sad for what my kids and husband went through. It was hard on them, because I was so sick; so different from their normal mom. My husband did all the caregiving. It was ugly. I'm sure that has impacted us forever as well.”